


First Kiss

by basildarling (thespiderbaby)



Category: The Fast Show
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Male Character, British Comedy, Canon Gay Character, Emotionally Repressed, Established Relationship, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:21:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27512221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespiderbaby/pseuds/basildarling
Summary: Ted and Ralph's first kiss (again)
Relationships: Ralph Mayhew/Ted
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	First Kiss

It was hard for Ralph to believe that only a week ago, he had poured out his heart to Ted via that most romantic of gestures, karaoke. It had hardly seemed real; the coloured lights flashing, Ted's friends in the pub cheering him on, and Ted himself sitting there wearing the biggest grin Ralph had ever seen. Of course, he had been terribly, terribly drunk at the time, and the whole thing was a massive blur.

The pair had escaped into the deserted pub garden once Ralph stepped off the stage, ignoring the whoops and jeers from Ted's friends. Ted had just held Ralph close as he sobbed into his chest, trying and failing to find the words to express how happy he felt. 

And he still couldn't quite believe that Ted had told him he loved him too, cared for him deeply, after the years he'd spent convincing himself that he was unloveable. Hearing Ted say those three words had made him burst into tears all over again. And after years of believing that he would never experience mutual love, Ralph was perfectly content to stay wrapped up in Ted's arms forever, talking like equals, hearing him laugh at his jokes, but he also ached for more. 

The last thing he wanted to do was rush into things, as it were, but he'd been in love with the man for over 20 years, for God's sake! Why put anything off now? It hurt him to think about, but Ted wasn't a young man. The biggest obstacle in Ralph's way was vocalising these desires to Ted; Ralph was still incredibly shy, something that would never change, and still found himself getting tongue-tied around the man of his dreams. There was only one thing for it. Ralph would have to find a way to bring it up in casual conversation. 

And so, Ralph found himself standing next to Ted on a chilly afternoon, keeping the man company while he worked, digging a great big ditch to help with the drainage. They had been silent for some time now, Ralph watching the way Ted's arms moved as he shoveled up dirt. He had already offered to help, but Ted had told him that he was alright by himself. Besides, Ralph knew that he didn't have the stamina for that kind of manual labour, and was relieved that he wouldn't have to risk getting his jacket muddy. 

The silence was becoming unbearable now. After a few pathetic coughs to clear his throat, Ralph finally spoke. 

"Ted…it must sound ridiculous, but I- I've never been kissed. Not properly, anyway." 

"Is that true, sir?" 

Ralph nodded. 

"Well, we can't have that, can we sir?" And, throwing down his spade, Ted embraced Ralph, pulling him closer and pressing their lips together. Ralph was paralysed for a moment at this sudden move from Ted, unsure of what to do with his arms, but settled for cradling Ted's face with one hand, stroking his prickly sideburns. His other arm lay limply at his side. 

This was heaven, Ralph thought. Here, in Ted's arms, no harm could ever come to him. Opening his mouth a little, and leaning back in to kiss Ted more, he could taste tobacco on his breath. Ralph had always disapproved of the habit, but in this moment, Ralph would happily let tar run into his lungs. As long as he was with Ted, and Ted was holding him, he could bear anything.

And then Ted broke away and Ralph was left wondering whether that had really just happened. He grasped at Ted's hands and looked at him- properly, this time, only to find that Ted was looking at him, right at him, too. Only this time, he didn't cast his gaze to the ground as soon as he realised that Ralph was looking at him too. 

"Ted…?" 

"I'm sorry if that didn't meet your expectation, sir." Ted trailed off into a mumble, and the magical eye contact was broken as he stared intently at the grass. 

"Ted, you misunderstand...I couldn't have asked for anything more perfect."

"I'm a bit out of practice, sir." 

"Nonsense, Ted!" It was Ralph's time to be bold, and now, he grabbed at Ted's hands again, and kissed him gently on the cheek. "Now we're even." 

Ted still looked slightly apprehensive. "You've got to understand, sir, that this is all new to me too. Things were different when I was a young lad. I'd like to say it's got better, but you wouldn't believe some of the things I've heard people say about you. I don't mean this unkindly, sir, but you've never been the best at sticking up for yourself. So I took it upon myself to stick up on your behalf." 

Ralph nodded. "I didn't know, Ted. I mean...when I went to the pub, I was sure that all your friends were laughing at me behind my back. But also...I was naive. I wanted to believe that they accepted me."

"If I heard anyone say a word against you, sir, I'd sort them out right away. Course, that opened me up for all sorts of teasing, but that didn't hurt me at all. What hurt me was knowing that people took advantage of your kind nature, and spread all sorts of rumours. Called you names. And I came to realise that I was hurt because I cared deeply about you, sir. And...I couldn't admit it, even to myself, because that would open up a whole new can of worms. There were things I didn't even want to think about. But I can admit it now, sir, and I think what I'm feeling for you is the same as what you've been feeling for me all this time. I care about you. I want you to be happy. I love you." 

Ralph looked lost for a few moments, furiously trying to process what he'd just heard. He fidgeted with the end of his tie, hoping to conjure up a thoughtful, reassuring response.

But all that came out were tears. 

"I had no idea, Ted. Really, you've done so much for me. I feel a complete fool." 

"Sir…why don't we go inside and talk about this over a nice cup of tea?" Ted took hold of Ralph's hand and kissed it, and led him back towards the upper field .

******

Half an hour later, the pair were sitting at Ted's kitchen table, drinking tea from the fancy china. It barely saw any use these days, but Ralph thought that this was as good an occasion as any to bring out the finery. Ralph was smiling again, and Ted's eyes had lit up, as he concentrated on every word his lover said.

"So, is it really true, sir, what you said? No one has ever kissed you?" 

"Well, I had a couple of flings at the agricultural college, but nothing really  _ serious _ , so I don't count those. No grand romantic adventures. I've never been swept off my feet, so to speak." 

"Flings, sir? I wouldn't have thought you'd have it in you!" 

Ralph took a deep breath. "Do you remember my chum Leopold? He came down to stay one summer holiday." 

Ted nodded. "The young man with the ridiculous haircut." 

"It wasn't  _ that  _ ridiculous-! Anyway…I knew him by sight, kind of admired him from afar, but of course, I was too shy to strike up a conversation with him. We ended up sharing a room in second year, and well, one thing led to another, and, well-" 

"I wouldn't be knowing about that, sir." 

"No...quite…and it all changed, after, err, you know-" Ralph cleared his throat. He had to steer the conversation on quickly, or this would become one of those awkward silences that he and Ted were only too accustomed to. 

_ Damn! _

But he didn't have to worry, because Ted spoke again. 

"I've never told anyone this before, sir- no, not even Mrs Ted, God bless her soul! But I’d be lying if I said that the thought of, well, men had never crossed my mind. But I had to repress it- I was soon to be a married man, and I knew that it wasn’t socially acceptable. I just wanted to settle down and live a quiet life in the countryside with Esther.”

“I had no idea, Ted. Really, you’re full of surprises,” Ralph reached across the table to take his hands in his own. “But really, you couldn’t have done better than Mrs Ted.”

“She was always saying how sad it was that you didn’t have a wife of your own, or children that she could dote on. She was so upset when Wendy left. A charming young gentleman like that, she said, should have all the ladies falling at his feet.”

Ralph laughed. “I don’t think  _ anyone _ has ever fallen at my feet before!”

“You shouldn’t talk like that, sir. Your singing the other night...well, that might’ve just been the whiskey making me giddy, but I was ready to sweep you off of your feet! Only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t want to put my back out.”

“Oh, Ted, that’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard! You’ll make me cry again!”

“It’s alright, sir. You don’t have to be ashamed any more.” And with that, Ted tightly squeezed Ralph's hands. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> all I seem to write are 18478 different interpretations of Ted and Ralph's confession/ first kiss but you know what I'm having fun so I will keep going x  
> gonna change the title at some point i just wanted to get this posted


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